A “WTF Happened?” Wetsday

I’m in a rather melancholy mood today. Don’t know why, but I’ve been musing about lost loves, wasted opportunities, and regrets. Sometimes, you know, it is enjoyable to give into depression and wallow in your pity-party, telling yourself how different things could have been, if only . . .

And kids, today’s guest embodies that whole philosophy. This is a guy who had it all — looks, wealth, talent, loving family — everything we think will make us happy. And yet, something went horribly wrong, and now he is more pathetic than anything else.

But lets go back to the halcyon days of our youth, back to the early-to-mid-Eighties, when our boy was the hawt-est thing in shoe leather. He was gorgeous beyond belief, and I was not the only Alpha Xi who had his picture on my dorm wall. He was sweet and humble, telling interviewers how fortunate he was and that he realized he had hit the big time too easily. He wasn’t just a little hot — he was People’s inaugural “World’s Sexiest Man” in 1985. And there was his lovely wife and his growing brood of children right there beside him. Small wonder that he was the love of my young life.

Yes, he’s crazy now. And disgusting. And an anti-Semite, a wife-beater, a drunk, etc. I know that, and I, like the rest of you, have rejected him. Like pina coladas, platform shoes, disco music and the other things that weren’t good for me in the long term, I have cut him out of my heart. But sometimes, when I am in this remembrance-of-times-past mood, I think of my darling Mel and what could have been, if only he had stayed sane . . . .

Okay, yeah, so this is how that love affair ended.

But it wasn’t like that in the beginning . . .

Wetsday Says Good Riddance to A Former Favorite

Oh, Mel, why’d you have to turn out to be batsh*t crazy? I have been absolutely nuts about you ever since Gallipoli. It was one of the worst dates of my young life, way back in 1981, but while ignoring the person my friend (?) thought I should go out with, I discovered you. Had to go back and watch Mad Max, even though post-apocalyptic negative utopias are not generally my cuppa tea. But it was lurrve!
Every movie you made, I was there opening week. And, Mel, we had some good times. The Lethal Weapons, The Bounty, Air America, Bird On A Wire. How utterly gorgeous you were, you Australian devil, you.
And then, starting with Braveheart, you weren’t just pretty. You were really creative. You started branching out into producing and directing. Now, some of your ideas were getting into the kinda crazy, like everybody in a film speaking Mayan or Ancient Aramaic. But it was kinda cool crazy.
And you made The Patriot, the movie which will stand forever as the meeting of three of the best looking actors in film history. Dang, you, Jason Isaacs, and that young pup Heath Ledger, all together. Just about made my head explode.
And it was wonderful, knowing that you were a person of faith, happily married to the woman who was with you before you made it big. Obviously, you weren’t just a pretty face.
But you know what, Mel? You aren’t even pretty anymore. That picture of you after the DUI arrest? Ok, it wasn’t as bad as Nick Nolte’s, but it was close. And then the rants about various ethnic groups, and the leaving Robyn for some Russian stick insect with big hair. I stopped admitting how many of your movies I had on my video shelf. You were a guilty pleasure I couldn’t admit I still craved.
But you have stepped over the line. This is the end. There are just some things we as women cannot tolerate. No, I was Team Robyn all the way, but that doesn’t mean you can treat Oksana like that.
So today’s gentlemen are a salute to those fine actors who have appeared as your enemies. From now on, I am cheering for the English during Braveheart and The Patriot. I am gonna hope for an alternate ending where Murtaugh gets fed up and shoots Riggs. (BTW, why don’t you share some of your interesting views with Danny Glover? I’m sure he’d understand). I hope Captain Bligh throws you overboard.
So here they are, my new favorites, the Anti-Gibson League:

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