Exchanging “Monthlies”

We’ve had a month off from personal posts. Not for all the ladies. Some worked their tushes off acquiring and getting our guests’ posts up in a timely manner. There may have been a no-show or two, but for the most part this was a fantastic Sizzler anniversary celebration, with wonderful guests and useful information! Thanks again to those who put it together, and to everyone who participated!

The month thing started me thinking. One of those rambling, convoluted, free form thought vs memory journeys that landed squarely on one of Romancemama’s sloganned t-shirts, “I’d Rather Be Fifty Than Pregnant!”.

I remember worrying for the longest I’d never be free of Mother Nature’s Gift. Late into my forties I grew concerned enough to broach the subject with my mom as to when I could look forward to its absence. She patted my hand and sighed. “All I can say is you’ve been genetically programmed to produce long and abundantly. I never missed a lick until 58.”

She dared to throw genetics at me? I was like “What?!? Noooooo!” But the thing finally magically happened. I was ecstatic to be freed of its cursed monthly appearance! No more digging bent and ratty papered tampons from the bottom of my bag when it arrived two days early! No more copious quantities of Midol washed down with Canadian Mist. (Hey, when the cramps hit, I wanted to be misty, okay!?) No more hunting down the video recorder to make sure hubby had no viable physical evidence against me when he files for divorce. (Can we say mood swings?) But it’s been slowly and cruelly forced to my attention that other ‘monthly’ things have taken its place.

The first hint was taking group pictures–me and all my chins. Hormonal shifts–or lack of them–cause monthly weight gain.

Or my 12-year-old grandson shaving with the bathroom door open. I watched, growing teary-eyed over my baby stepping into manhood. I blinked the blur away, swept the drops from my lashes. Shoved my grandson aside. I needed the entire mirror to eye the horror sprouting on my upper lip.  Noticing where my attention was centered he didn’t help any by mumbling through shave cream, “Been meaning to talk to you about that, Maw.” Guess it’s a good thing the hair growth on my legs has slowed. I can use the extra time I don’t spend shaving them to bleach my new mustache–once a month!

Pictures and hand placement tend to vary during the course of the month. I’ve notice toward the 28 day mark my hands are usually on my hair. Not in, on. As in preventing roots from being seen. There’s so much white there now if a stiff wind parted my hair down the middle, I could pass for first cousin to Pepe LePeu! Monthly hair color.

Right then it hit me my single ‘monthly’ has been insidiously replaced by multiple ‘monthlies’.

I slunk off to view a video from the last family reunion. Did my heart good to watch all the younger members water skiing, dancing, eating, laughing. I noticed a group in the background and looked closer. Yep, us older gals, colorfully attired, sun-hatted and smiling, cheering them on. But when did all that under arm bat-wing action start going on when we waved? I was struck by the strangest thought. And couldn’t shake it. Something along the lines of:

Dear Lord, we aren’t chicly attired mature women–we’re a cluster of flying squirrels in drag!

Have to leave you on that one. Another ‘monthly’ has become urgently necessary. I need to look into a gym membership–yes, blast it all, monthly!


4 Responses

  1. Love it, Runere. As your elder by several years, I can identify with this post, especially with the hair. As someone who went grey in my twenties, I wonder what color my brain might be after 34 years of hair dye. Might also explain a few behavioral aberrations my husband has mentioned over the years. RitaVF

  2. OMG, chica! I feel your pain — I had a three inch white line running down my head — it looked like I got run over by the Dept of Transportation road striper! So I bought a bottle at Target, poured it on, and — change of formula or something, cause to quote DH, “Um, it’s kind of red.”
    But if the alternative is pregancy and baby-raising, I’m all about growing old!!!

  3. Sorry I didn’t get over here sooner today. Funny how the legal work piles up on ones desk when one has spent all her time since “THE EMAIL” on Tuesday with her head in the clouds dreaming of book covers and release dates. So, I figured I better get that legal crap done today before the 3 day weekend and that dang boss of mine gets on to me. LOL!

    And then I get over here to an awesome post- I can’t relate to some of it as I still have the dang tampons in the purse but I can sure relate to the hair color thing and the arm thing. Like I said before, over and over, your posts are always hilarious and always spot on! Another good one, my friend.

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